(Attempting to memorize the lyrics to Gives You Hell for tomorrow.)
Every time I think of starting on this train of thought in a blog-post, I’ll have a million ways of opening in my head but they all sound extremely retarded when I start typing them out so I’m just going to come right out and say it because I have become incredibly ineloquent over the past few months of writing-inactivity-hiatus-iamaloser:
I am a incredibly blessed and fortunate person.
If it weren’t for the fact that I don’t have a religion, I would say that God’s looking out for me. Okay, so the universe has been taking rather good care of me for the past 19 years. Ever since entering RJC, and doing sorta well in school, this has been at the back of my mind. My life has just panned out in a way that had been wholly unexpected to me; and looking back, I’m not sure how I achieved the things I achieved. (That just makes me sound like I won the Nobel Prize and earned a billion dollars, but whatever.) Rather, I don’t know how I’ve managed to go through almost 19 years of life and have most of the activities and interests I pursue end on a positive note.
I think what I will always be thankful for would be the work ethic my parents gave me. They never were very strict nor demanding parents, and they certainly never exactly stressed me. My father would only give me the “Now is the time to GAME ON!” talk about a month and a half or so before major examinations — okay, six months for A Levels — and even then, his idea of stress was just to let me know how important it was to do well academically, not for him nor for my mum, but for myself. And although, during A Levels particularly, I was worried that this not-exactly-nonchanlance, but this freedom they gave me may back-fire, I’m grateful that they believed in my ability to be independent.
This freedom made me very willing to work hard and to take charge of my own education. That or I’m just a crazy mugger who enjoys studying, which I don’t doubt because although there were brief moments in the months leading up to As when I was feeling a little bummed out or frazzled, I generally recall the mugging part of JC2 as being quite fun and enjoyable. Maybe it’s because I was studying with friends (WINDY BENCHER 4 LYFE, we should make a shirt), or maybe it’s because after a while, I was just getting in the rhythmn of things.
(Bleh, this post isn’t going the way I expected it to go! And I should be sleeping
soon right now since I fell asleep with my guitar on my face just now.)
I guess, I just wanted to make sense of the way life has turned out so far. And for all the blessings I have received along the way, I hope to be able to re-pay them some-day. When I think of the way I’ve been raised and how my parents have acted, I sometimes suddenly want to be a mother, just so I can pass on what I’ve learnt on; pass it on. But that’s utterly ridiculous since I’m not very keen on marriage hurz. Sometimes I’m not sure if I deserve what I’ve been given but I’ve decided that the only way to deal with those thoughts and feelings would be to somehow give back to the community that has already given me so much. I hope to be able to repay the kindness I’ve received and the gifts I’ve gotten.
But first I have a responsibility, to the people who have given me the various opportunities in my life, to work hard for the next few years of university and to achieve as much as I can. I also owe it to myself to make use of these opportunities to improve myself.
I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore because my brain is dying from exhaustion.
tldr: I am grateful for everything that life/universe has given me so far; I need to pay it forward one day.