(Warning: Extremely loud and incredibly emo.)
As school starts, I’ve become to realize that I’m quite a shit friend. I’m just unable to maintain friendships with different groups of people, such that I begin to neglect people because I’m too wrapped up with the people around me at that current moment. In this case, I’ve just been hanging out a lot with my USP OG and basically forgetting about everyone else. (It’s not that I don’t have awesome friends in USP, because I’m really glad I’ve met Palenque.) And although I’ve told myself that I can’t do this again, not after what happened in JC, where although I found an awesome family in Players, I half drifted away from the Muggers, I think I’m just bad at keeping friends around.
And as uni life begins, I’m already feeling that isolation from people, something that is most likely self-imposed, and imagined by myself; it’s difficult to articulate my thoughts to anybody. And it’s creepy feeling like I’m already drifting away from friends even before school has properly started. Maybe it’s just the nerves talking, or that I’m not used to living in Cinnamon yet, but at the same time, I’m already afraid for what’s going to happen once lessons really kick into gear and I have less free time.
Which is rather ironic, since I’m posting this on a blog. Call it Only Child pains, but I’ve never been able to confess my problems to somebody– at least not until I’ve managed to come to terms with it, or solved it already– and although I really want to just blearrrgh everything I’m feeling out to someone, at the same time, I don’t want to because I’ve always dealt with such stupid shit by myself. I guess I shouldn’t keep everything bottled up inside, but as usual, I’m always afraid of being called out on things that I’ve done, or am thinking about.
I thought writing this would be cathartic, but all it does is make me feel like going to sleep for a very long time. What a nice start to the school term.
I jest, these passing moments of sadness are only passing, and pain is only temporary.
But there are times I feel such intense hatred and anger, and I don’t know if it’s only directed at myself or at the world around me. And I don’t know what’s worse: posting these stupid posts on a public blog like the narcissistic voyeur I am, or just keeping it all inside.