Just a thought:
Start living for yourself instead of subsisting on scraps of affection and attention. It’s not worth it; you’re over-reacting, you’re over-thinking. You’re more than that, and this teenage angst bullshit is getting a bit extreme. Get a grip, you’re 20 this year, you’re not Sec 2. Concentrate on what you need to do. Nothing else matters. Keep moving forward, even if you’re not sure what forward is. Don’t stop, don’t think. Just go go go.