Once again, I’ve hit that point in the semester where everything seems inexplicably pointless and useless. May be a bit quick to jump to conclusions, but I highly suspect it is the growing dissatisfaction with the lack of learning in university — particularly this semester. As I mentioned to my suite mates: “NM is great and all, and I like what I’m doing because everything is very practical based, but it’s not like I’m learning anything”. There’s something thoroughly unsatisfying about NM because of how intuitive some concepts are — and okay, I should stop ragging on my major, but maybe this is a sign that I should switch (once again, good God) back to Psychology or find something else to do (yea, as if you can).
The problem is that I feel trapped in the choices that I blindly made in my first year at university; trapped by the stupid, badly thought-out decisions that I made even before university started (no, I’m thankful for my scholarship, but it still freaks me out that I have little say in what my future for the next few years will pan out to be).
I was looking through the modules that were being offered by the Sociology department just now, while procrastinating on my Biomolecular Rev essay; and it made me wonder, why did I change my mind even before university started? During JC, particularly J2, I was quite convinced that I was going to do Sociology — even to the extent of getting Zydney to print a Sociology textbook for me. And looking through the department website reminded me of why I wanted to major in it in the first place. I chalk it up to bad life decisions and a complete lack of a back-bone because firstly, I caved to my dad’s dismissal of Soci; and also, I figured since HPB wanted Psych/NM scholars, I was fine with those majors too (although, that’s not to say that I’m not interested in those two fields either; because for all my whining about NM, there are moments of yes).
It’s scary because right now, I’m honestly entertaining the thought of dropping everything and starting afresh — but I know the consequences of that will be extremely, painfully high. And what exacerbates this fear is the fact that I don’t even know if I’ll like Soci in the first place, having never taken a single mod. But I mean, isn’t university all about making stupid decisions and doing wild things? I feel like I’ve been caving to the stereotype of an A Asian child for far too long, and maybe this is my moment of rebellion… haha no, just kidding.
I suppose this is just all me being over-dramatic again because honestly, I know I’ll still end up sticking to my NM major and figuring a way of making it fun (I mean, there’s Health Comms next sem and Interactive Game Design & News Writing and Editing Y3S1 to look forward to), but everything’s not feeling enough. I came to university to learn more about the world, but I don’t think NM is giving me that.
This is just making me incredibly restless and frantic right now which I really don’t need because I have a term paper due on Friday; and two exams which are happening on the same day to study for. The possible sign of hope right now is the fact that minoring in Soci is just 24 MCs, which I definitely can afford, if I completely drop Psych (because I am totally ignoring that insidious voice that’s telling me I’ve almost completed the minor requirements for NM, because Rei, there is no way you can do 60MCs of Soci before you reach the end of Year 3).
But despite all this, in a fit of unsurprising hypocrisy, I also get quite annoyed when people diss NM. Go figure.
Woe is the complicated, confused, undecided Rei.