These three weeks of canoe polo has made me realise how uber competitive I am and the impossibly high standards that I set for myself. It’s always very difficult to shut off that side of me that expects to be the best no matter 1) how much experience I have, 2) how much experience other people around me actually have — call it the “RJ mentality” I suppose!
The first two matches today were spent feeling upset with myself for not being able to score a goal despite having multiple opportunities to shoot (despite it being one of the first times that I was facing an actual goal post), and not being able to goal-keep well (despite it being the second time I was trying to keep). One reason why I detest playing team sports is the crushing sense of guilt I always feel when I don’t play as well as I expect myself to.
The last two matches were better; mostly because both were low/no-stakes games so it was easier to just focus on the game itself. The round against Arts was crazy. Despite losing 4 – 0, I think that’s the match that I played my hardest and best at, possibly because by then, I’d gotten familiar enough with the flow of the game, and the amount that I needed to push. So for all that’s said, I guess the whole “it’s not about the winning, it’s about the journey that matters” bullshit rings pretty true since I’ve found a new sport to satisfy my adrenaline craving, and made a new bunch of strange friends whom I can continue training and learning with.
I still really want a medal though.