Still feeling rather out of sorts.

I spent most of today in the pool, for our pool session component of the Open Water dive. It’s still rather surreal that I’m finally, finally going to learn how to dive after my 21 years of waiting. Despite the extremely heavy equipment (we were all bent over like turtles), it was everything that I hoped for — and we haven’t even reached the ocean yet.

As I sat at the bottom of the swimming pool, breathing in and out (sounding very much like Darth Vader) using the regulator, it struck me how much I’ve been feeling so isolated from reality recently. There’s a certain sense of calm and otherworldliness when you’re inhaling canned air on a swimming pool floor — and if you can just briefly forget about the heavy tank behind you, and the amount of crap you’ve lugged down with you, it’s like stumbling into another dimension, another hidden world tucked into the corners of our present. It’s some strange sense of dis-/unreality as if this was where you were meant to be all along, instead of up there on the surface.

Sometimes when I stare at the ground for too long, gravity suddenly goes wrong; and ground becomes wall, and sky becomes ground, and everything turns odd. Maybe this is my brain telling me I’ve taken on too much again (like that time I just felt inexplicable waves of fear that eventually passed once I dropped my 7th mod), or maybe it’s just my inability to deal with normal people problems.

I think I’ve spent too long living in my head for the past few weeks: running unsaid conversations; obsessing over the smallest details; planning, planning, feverishly planning.

That being said, I can’t wait for Tioman next weekend — may some fresh sea-air be the answer to my cognitively impaired self.