Shiba

have finally pin-pointed what’s slightly different about this semester’s Rei, compared to previous generations: she’s less afraid of being confrontational and more willing to call out people on shit – but don’t get me wrong, she’s still as socially awkward af but it’s a start (!!!)

(because your opinions matter yo.)

Advertisements

Detox

Once again, before I know it, the semester has flown by. It’s crazy to think how after this term ends, I only have one semester left as a student (possibly, in my entire life!!). Hm – the thought of working is scary, but at the same time, sort of exciting too. I’ll miss my (too often) mid-afternoon naps though.

That being said, this semester has been an exercise in getting my feet  back onto the ground (although, the amount of head-space I have dedicated to toku is ridiculous). What’s always terrible is how inflexible my mental state is – it always takes me ages to become comfortable in a new situation, and once I do, time’s up and the situation’s changed. But what has been great about this semester, though, is how open everything feels, how there are possibilities everywhere. I don’t think I’ve really grasped how lucky a position being a student is; and even though I spend most of the days cooped up in my room (on Tumblr), I’m trying to make the most of this newly-realised freedom.

There are things I’m starting to like about this semester’s Rei-En, even if she’s still as socially anxious as ever. Sure, she’s prone to the occasional flare of anger and sometimes finds herself in a pool of self-pity, but she’s still pretty cool. Although I’m not sure if this is also because this Rei-En draws on her not-so-secret love for toku as a secret source of happiness and strength, but even so – what does it matter, am I right?

Keep on keeping on!

(Also: got punched in the jaw during Fight Club today – it wasn’t a very hard hit, but man!, did I feel that reverb in the back of my head.)

Sushi Sellers

gen2gen3

gen5gen6

gen1   gen4

I know I said I was going to keep Sentai/PR off this – but this is possibly my favourite scene out of the whole series (perhaps, even franchise, from the scant little that I’ve watched) so far! It finally addresses the moral dilemma that permeates Power Rangers/Super Sentai: that a bunch of teenagers/young adults essentially have to kill in order to protect the world, and they can’t really do much about to resist this call to violence.

Episode 43 was dark af ugh love it.

Ruminate

You said, don’t hold on to the past like it’s something I can just switch off easily (and perhaps, a year ago, I would have said: yes, you’re right, I’m sorry). There’s no moving on if you constantly go back to what had happened. But your words have left pockets of memories, buried into my nervous system. My heart still races wildly at times when I’m caught off-guard by flashes of sorry I didn’t mean it that way – I wasn’t trying to – I don’t know what else to do to show you – , of reminders of misunderstandings, of curling up, trying to keep my chest from exploding and my mind from caving in (nowhere is safe).

You said it as if I’m deliberately holding onto these moments, wielding them against you in battle (or am I merely projecting these thoughts upon you?, you are, after all, a different person now – but I’m trying to stop constantly second-guessing my thoughts, qualifying my statements). As if I want to feel panicky and jittery, when adrenaline surges in my veins for no reason other than because I’ve glimpsed something which surfaces a memory. As if I want to feel constantly on the edge, ready to flee from nothing more than the firing of neurons. As if I want to literally feel nauseous when confronted with fictional depictions of fictional people locked in fictional arguments, thinking you’re such a joke for reacting this way.

We said this was the only way to stay friends, before things escalated to beyond repair. I apologised – said I was selfish for wanting to end things, that I was doing so just because I wanted to protect myself. I just – I don’t think this is very healthy for me. Like I failed you, somehow, by giving up like that. Maybe we just needed a month more – a year, just a little more time to work past everything.

You said before, you’re a friend of my mind. But I didn’t have the courage to extend the same courtesy to myself. Feeling this way is silly, it’s been more than half a year and you’re still on old thoughts, I say to myself. Just let it go already. And I am – trying to purge the bad and leave the good, to find a balance somewhere in the maelstrom of moments and leave behind only what is golden.

I say, you’re not a bad person, that’s just a side of you that’s perhaps slightly rougher, you just didn’t realise how deeply you’ve left your mark  – running reasons and excuses, just like many months before. I say, forgive and forget like a good, kind person would. It’s easy enough to do so, after all, merely a simple exercise in mental dexterity. As easy as breathing in and breathing out – expelling these bad (I’m being unfair to you for holding onto these moments – the present you who’s undoubtedly changed and hopefully has grown) thoughts and memories (they’re in the past, they’re over now, we turn the other cheek).

I once heard, the opposite of love is apathy. It’s easy, I think, to block out the bad. It’s not the first time you’ve done so, you’re only stronger now after this.

But the inexplicable surges of anxious energy that have peppered the past few months testify otherwise. And in these moments, you were weak then and you’re still weak now telegraphs itself in my mind – emotions are inescapable no matter how far you run.

But no – I say, I refuse. I refuse to let you have any more power over me. I refuse to give you space into my head. I’m standing my ground, this time, no matter how hard it may be.

I exorcise you.

Dead Girl Walking

1. Created a separate Tumblr so that I can fangirl over Sentai/Power Rangers there instead of crowding up space here. For the 0 of y’all who are interested: http://tangerinetales.tumblr.com. My current obsession is シンケンジャー and the adorableness of which is Chiaki/Kotoha and the (insert relevant adjective here) of which is Takeru.

2. Everything’s slowly gearing up towards c – c – crunch time, and I’m left wondering how the heck is it already Week 9 (???).

3. If what Dot said was true (and I’m sure it is!), I guess it’s about time I left this guilt go.

4. The next thing in line to be exorcised is my anger – which is ironic, no?

5. Maybe I ship Chiaki/Kotoha because I identify with her a bit too much. :/

Important things to keep in mind whenever guilt surfaces: THIS

Because the truth was, despite it all, I loved him – and that love was not enough.

We need to let go of this notion that it’s harrowingly romantic to work through a relationship that doesn’t feel good, that we should stick with someone who doesn’t serve our higher selves.”

I want to talk about toxic relationships – so called because instead of nourishing your growth, as a relationship should, they slowly wither you away like poison in your system.

Because I think that sometimes we get stuck in circles in our minds asking ourselves whether or not a partner is abusive, when really, we should be asking ourselves whether or not they’re healthy for us.”

Because we have a really damaging cultural understanding (that you can hire me to talk about endlessly) about love: It’s supposed to be confusing and painful, and it’s working through that which makes it worthwhile and romantic.

But I want to let you in on a little secret: Relationships aren’t easy –and they aren’t always fun – but they’re not supposed to hurt.

Baby Raptor

Spent the day alternating between doing my KDS essay and reading fanfiction on AO3. In my defense, I did need some mental relief from the torture which is phenomenology. Have came to the conclusion that AO3 is essentially fanfiction.net but with only Tumblr community members, judging by the amount of terribad fluff/bordering on crack fics there are.

Even so, this ship sails itself:

CAFNVD5WwAALqhk

Tho also v v v disturbed by some of the AO3 fics because they’re so terribly out of character, it’s a horror. Which goes back to AO3 essentially being tumblr because #fangirls.

*skateboards out*